Being a SAHD is HARDCORE

And you aren't making it any easier Lindsay Ferrier.

Perhaps the best thing about having that SAHDs News widget over to the right (it's on the main page if you're reading this via RSS) is that I can stay informed as to whenever someone writes a story about the fraternity to which I belong. It usually does a good job of catching stories about stay-at-home dads, but occasionally it does go a bit "wonky" and returns some interesting results from time to time. Today however it returned a result that certainly grabbed my interest.

Nashville Scene is one of those city magazines that every large city seems to have these days. It offers the usual looks at the happening of the city, it's politics, it's points of interest, and a certain amount of editorial fluff that can be expected by these types of rags. So, when the headline "Dad-Core Is Hard-Core" popped up on the SAHDs News widget, my interest was peeked.


In the article, stay-at-home mom Lindsay Ferrier attempts to describe the plight of the SAHD in the greater Nashville area. She immediately weaved a tale that had my attention, telling the story of a SAHD that had an interesting run-in walking past a construction site. Apparently the sight of a baby carrier strapped to a man's chest is so odd that it causes construction workers to think the dad in question is packing heat. (Which is legal with a CCW permit in Tennessee, but that's neither here nor there.)

But then, there's the rest of the article.

A little more into the piece, after Ferrier compares SAHDs to lepers, she begins to relate her own experiences with area SAHDs. Of particular interest is this tidbit in which she relates what happened when a SAHD came over to her playgroup:

I’m sure the dude was nice, but we’d had a SAHD show up before at play group [sic] and it was about as much fun as Pedro Garcia’s going-away party. The moms, all of whom generally arrive with hilarious stories about their bumbling husbands, irritating in-laws or pending divorces, all sat around with bright, false smiles and exchanged nervous pleasantries for 45 minutes until the dad finally made up some excuse, grabbed his son and split. As soon as the front door slammed, we all burst out laughing.

At this point, I'm at a loss. Part of me wants to fling myself fully into a profanity laced diatribe questioning Ferrier's abilities as a mom, woman, and human being, but I know that won't do any good. Ferrier is simply yet another instigator of the baseless and cruel attitudes that are heaped upon stay-at-home dads. Not only are we seen as "bumbling husbands," but our ability to be primary caregivers to our children are scrutinized endlessly by those that bear the ability to birth them. The cultural norm that only women are best suited to the role of at-home parent is apparently alive, well, and openly accepted by Ferrier and her peers.

These "bright, false smiles" and "nervous pleasantries" are unfortunate, but they are not something that we have not all ran into before. The first time this happens to a new SAHD it can be unsettling. But each and every time this happens it just strengthens the armor that all SAHDs strap-on daily.

What Ferrier and her cronies can never understand or appreciate is the fact that while SAHDs seem withdrawn from their peers out of lack of the need or want to connect with others like them, the fact is that the numbers are just so totally against us. SAHDs bear the heavy burden of being outnumbered 34:1 if the figure that there's 5.4 million of them and only 159,000 of us is to be believed.

If the afore mentioned numbers are correct, then there's only somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 SAHDs in the whole of Nashville. (Please don't ask me to explain that math, I'm probably WAAAAY off. My own hometown only puts up about 27 SAHDs statistically speaking.) In reality there's probably even less than that number. But there are oodles and oodles of SAHMs and they don't have a problem meeting because the numbers, and the perceived societal norm, favor them. (Again don't ask about the math, but there's somewhere in the neighborhood of 1020 SAHMs in Nashville, 918 here.)


So, what do we make of Lindsay Ferrier and her article for Nashville Scene? In short, it's yet another in a long and sad commentary on the disparity of the stay-at-home dad. We are grossly outnumbered, shunned by society, and apparently are the butt of many jokes around mommy playgroups. However, in the end she does attempt to redeem herself, only to quickly slam SAHDs again by telling a neighbor that there simply isn't room in her playgroup for him and his child. All this for no other reason than simply because she doesn't want to deal with the uncomfortable nature of having him around. No doubt sporting a bright, false smile while doing it.

But, as I alluded to before, this is nothing new. And sadly, this is certainly nothing that is going to change anytime soon. If you are a Nashville area SAHD, or any SAHD for that matter, I urge you to connect with fellow SAHDs and seek them out in your area. Teh internets is always a good place to start, and places like AtHomeDad.org, the At-Home Dad Newsletter- Playgroups, Daddyplace.com, Rebel Dad, or any of the multitude of other dad centric websites of teh internets is a good jumping off point.