Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

Don't even bother coming around here.

You aren't welcome.

You and I both know that you've better things to do and better places to be. I don't want anything you have because you can't possibly bring me what I really want.

I want a kiss.

A kiss you can't deliver.

I want a hug.

A hug you can't package.

I want the simple pleasure of watching four sets of hands tearing into paper.

Something you can't wrap.

I want to see candles blown out on a cake.

And you can't even deliver the matches.

The one thing I want you can't bring. So don't come near here. Should I see a red sleigh, or hear bells, or the prancing and pawing of each tiny hoof, I'll be eating good on those horned bastards you ride behind for months after I've had them processed. And I'll probably pocket some decent coin from the video of me snuffing your fat ass too.

So, Santa, for your sake, I'd steer well clear of my AO. The only marketable skill the Army taught me involves high explosives and I'm more than willing to give you a personal demonstration.

Gent bent and Happy SolstChristmaHannuKwanzFestivas,
me

PS- But if you can, give her the kiss and the hug and tell her that her Daddy and step-Mom and little brother all love and miss her. And tell her happy birthday too.